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Downswing Days

I’ve realised I mostly come on here and write on days I have something happy to report. Be it my physical or mental well-being or a step forward in the right direction, be it any aspect of my life. I do it with the firm belief that sharing is caring, that someone out there might read my pieces and smile, take heart and hustle on. Indeed, your kind comments have proven it to be so.

Yet, on days when I’m not feeling my best, I refrain from writing, either feeling vulnerable at the exposure or feeling like an imposter for having written all those uplifting, self-care advocating posts when I cannot simply gather myself together. Today is one such day. Half of which has passed.

The other half, however, I am committed to change today. I will address you on days that I am down. I will share with you my darkest thoughts, sorrows, fears and words. Why, you ask? Because maybe, just maybe, someone out there might read my pieces and smile, take heart and hustle on in the knowledge that we all have our ups and downs. Our moods have upswings and downswings. And yet, nothing lasts forever. I know I will get back into the right frame of mind soon enough. And you will see the difference. As would someone else who’s currently berating himself for feeling the way he is currently and admonishing himself for not being strong. It doesn’t take strength to plaster a smile on your face and pretend everything is okay, winning accolades and love from everyone around. It does take strength to accept there will be days when you won’t be at your best, that it is okay to take a break, take more than a few moments to be with yourself, accept your feelings and let them live out their life cycle in you in a healthy manner and, most importantly, it takes sheer strength to try and love yourself when you’re on the brink of self-hatred.

So today, I am willing to acknowledge that there will be days when I’ll be an irritable, slobbering, whining, selfish mess. But that is till my mess. I own it and will overcome it. I will live through it to better days. And I will do so without assigning blame to others around me when their behaviour ticks me off just because I’m in a mood. I will heal without damaging another’s mental health. There is a heart big enough in me to love them and myself. I will be real.

What do you say to that?

As the sun sets

And until the sun is set

I think it’s okay to wait and see what the day will beget

Until the sun is set

It’s okay to hold off on being upset

Until the sun is set

Focus on doing what you know best

Until the sun is set

Keep putting your mind to rest

Don’t give up

Don’t give in

Don’t let go

Don’t let be

No, not until the sun is set

Week not weak

It’s been a week and then some

And in no particular order

My minds feels fried

My heart a wreck

My body so gruesome

My life quite lonesome

My ears yearn for music

My feet waiting to tap along

My eyes scour the horizon for something soothing

My lips devouring water like a salve

It’s been one of those weeks

But I’m here

I’m still here

Ritual

There’s a ritual I follow

In the daily drag of life

Every morning

Without fail

And every night

Like clockwork

I cleanse my heart of malice

My brow of worrisome furrows

My voice of rude retorts

My eyes of unshed tears

Twice a day

I begin life anew

And in doing so

I’ll soon find my way

Estranged

It was a strange day that I met you on

It was raining and bright and sunny at the same time

It was a strange feeling you left me with

It was ticklish and morbidly scary at the same time

It’s been a strange time knowing you

It’s elating and beyond despair at the same time

It’s strange saying goodbye to you

It’s liberating and torturous at the same time

Fresh

I feel like I’m new to this world. In a strange kind of way. Like spring, it seems my vision is blooming afresh. My perspective, wiped clean after a fresh shower. I feel like there’s no past and no future. No baggage and no expectation. Most of all, no baggage of expectations. There’s no beginning there’s no end. Only an everlasting present. Only an everlasting presence. I feel disjointed from everyone and yet I feel at one with the world around me. I’m nothing. I’m everything. I’m new to this world. Just as you are to me.

I’ll call you, maybe?

Crazy, beautiful stranger

This one’s for you

Because you don’t know me

Not yet

But you don’t know yourself either

Not yet

So I’ll show you how you look

And feel

To someone stumbling across you

While you go bumbling on your way

Clueless

Of the number of hearts you sway

Because you’re a crazy, beautiful stranger

And I’d love to know you, if I may