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Downswing Days

I’ve realised I mostly come on here and write on days I have something happy to report. Be it my physical or mental well-being or a step forward in the right direction, be it any aspect of my life. I do it with the firm belief that sharing is caring, that someone out there might read my pieces and smile, take heart and hustle on. Indeed, your kind comments have proven it to be so.

Yet, on days when I’m not feeling my best, I refrain from writing, either feeling vulnerable at the exposure or feeling like an imposter for having written all those uplifting, self-care advocating posts when I cannot simply gather myself together. Today is one such day. Half of which has passed.

The other half, however, I am committed to change today. I will address you on days that I am down. I will share with you my darkest thoughts, sorrows, fears and words. Why, you ask? Because maybe, just maybe, someone out there might read my pieces and smile, take heart and hustle on in the knowledge that we all have our ups and downs. Our moods have upswings and downswings. And yet, nothing lasts forever. I know I will get back into the right frame of mind soon enough. And you will see the difference. As would someone else who’s currently berating himself for feeling the way he is currently and admonishing himself for not being strong. It doesn’t take strength to plaster a smile on your face and pretend everything is okay, winning accolades and love from everyone around. It does take strength to accept there will be days when you won’t be at your best, that it is okay to take a break, take more than a few moments to be with yourself, accept your feelings and let them live out their life cycle in you in a healthy manner and, most importantly, it takes sheer strength to try and love yourself when you’re on the brink of self-hatred.

So today, I am willing to acknowledge that there will be days when I’ll be an irritable, slobbering, whining, selfish mess. But that is till my mess. I own it and will overcome it. I will live through it to better days. And I will do so without assigning blame to others around me when their behaviour ticks me off just because I’m in a mood. I will heal without damaging another’s mental health. There is a heart big enough in me to love them and myself. I will be real.

What do you say to that?

Perfectly Flawed

From my painstakingly curated feed

To my perfectly manicured nails

From my masterful enunciations

To my skilful paint strokes

From my poetry to my prose

Even my neatly trimmed rose

You won’t find a single flaw

In the facade I never fail to draw

For the world at large

And for my own eyes to see

But I’d like you too look for

The hidden chinks in my armour

And then, having found them, cherish all of me

For perfection is overrated

And perception, too subjective

My chaos is tired of being subliminally muted

Ready to burst out and live

Story-eyed

The stories in my eyes

I like to call them dreams

Span across a myriad different themes

They come to me in full splendour

And technicoloured beams

I struggle to remember them on most days

Holding onto them by their seams

But they’re flighty and ephemeral

And not always what they seem

But today

Today I remember

More than a few snippets

So tell me

Would you like to hear

The stories in my eyes?

Show and Tell

Ask me how deep the ocean is

How many stars cover the vast expanse of the sky

What the first drop of morning dew feels like

How cool and warm (yes, both at the same time) the sun’s rays are

How lonely is the moon

And I’ll show you what love is

Until you dizzyingly swoon

Notes from the Moon

We can take away so much more from the moon

Than romance

Heartbreak

Yearning

And desire

Its phases of waxing and waning

Getting destroyed and building itself up again

Over and over

Is nothing if not perpetually inspirational

Its act of shining bright, yet gentle

In the night, when no one really needs the light

Except for a few lost souls

Shows us to be considerate, even if it only helps just one

To keep doing what you’re meant to do

Even if it goes unnoticed and unappreciated

Till the day you shine in your full glory

When the world comes out to marvel

At the beauty of a full moon

To be always overlooked, overshadowed and outdone by someone bigger, bolder and more privileged

Yet willingly sharing your space with those lesser than you

Nurturing a million twinkling stars

Yes, we can learn so much from the moon while still marvelling at it just so

Most of all to be kind to others and onto ourselves too

Building Dreams?

I’d paint you a dream if I could

Of lines drawn in slumber

With pencils brilliantly hued

Passing onto fragrant mornings

Filled with the aroma of coffee perfectly brewed

Till your dreams become reality

Or reality becomes dreamy

And then

I’d challenge you to tell them apart

The Foremost Love

To be all alone

In the middle of a crowd

Is not what this life

Is meant to be about

To be all worn out

In the midst of gaiety

When striking a simple conversation

Marks the onset of anxiety

To be unsure

Of what others feel for you

Is a disservice to your own feelings

Which define and make you, you

To be high strung even at night

When others seem to rest in delight

Is a very unkind plight

So just follow the light

Of your own heart

And let it guide you home

To centre and ground you

To love and surround you

For above all that in this world may be true

You, yourself, owe it to you

Out of the Box

The only difference between my desires and reality

Is that the former is limited by my own sense of worth, imagination, faith and frailty

Remove these from the equation

And I’d be unparalleled, limitless and undefined like infinity

If you look carefully, there’s a deep profundity in this piece’s brevity

So tell me what you make of it?

Diary Entry #6 : To Love a Mockingbird

Have you ever wondered why is it a sin to kill a mockingbird?

Well, Miss Maudie Atkinson said in the classic novel To Kill a Mockingbird: “Mockingbirds don’t do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don’t eat up people’s gardens, don’t nest in corncribs, they don’t do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That’s why it’s a sin To Kill a Mockingbird.”

I woke up pondering this question today and realised the need to identify all the mockingbirds in my life. The ones that fill it with beautiful melodies not for any reason but just because. The ones that make it a tad easier to plough on with their gentle, guiding hums and their caring flutterings. The ones that love us with no expectations in turn.

Yes, it may well be a sin to kill a mockingbird but if we do not take some time out to appreciate them, we just might slowly by killing their music and that, my friends, would be an unpardonable sin.

So go seek out your mockingbirds today and give them a song to sing!

Diary Entry #5 : Of Denials and Acceptances

At times it takes a while to be able to see something right in front of you. At times people grow on you.

Slowly at first But then quite steadily. Till you end up wondering how come you never noticed them before.

Or an opportunity which you’ve been waiting for since forever comes to you in an unexpected form. And the time you take in recognising it baffles you when you finally do.

It’s amazing, isn’t it?

How we want what we don’t have and how we get those very things in the strangest of ways.

Or maybe we don’t see it because we feel undeserving of it?

We live in denial till the slow acceptance of actually being worthy starts seeping in?

We keep our distance till a sense of security envelops us in its warmth, allowing us to finally let go of our inhibitions and just feel what we want to feel?

I don’t have any answers. Just musings. While I sit around admiring the people and blessings in my life that I resisted for way too long and stupidly, basking in their love and comfort.