To be all alone In the middle of a crowd Is not what this life Is meant to be about To be all worn out In the midst of gaiety When striking a simple conversation… More
I’ve realised I mostly come on here and write on days I have something happy to report. Be it my physical or mental well-being or a step forward in the right direction, be it any aspect of my life. I do it with the firm belief that sharing is caring, that someone out there might read my pieces and smile, take heart and hustle on. Indeed, your kind comments have proven it to be so.
Yet, on days when I’m not feeling my best, I refrain from writing, either feeling vulnerable at the exposure or feeling like an imposter for having written all those uplifting, self-care advocating posts when I cannot simply gather myself together. Today is one such day. Half of which has passed.
The other half, however, I am committed to change today. I will address you on days that I am down. I will share with you my darkest thoughts, sorrows, fears and words. Why, you ask? Because maybe, just maybe, someone out there might read my pieces and smile, take heart and hustle on in the knowledge that we all have our ups and downs. Our moods have upswings and downswings. And yet, nothing lasts forever. I know I will get back into the right frame of mind soon enough. And you will see the difference. As would someone else who’s currently berating himself for feeling the way he is currently and admonishing himself for not being strong. It doesn’t take strength to plaster a smile on your face and pretend everything is okay, winning accolades and love from everyone around. It does take strength to accept there will be days when you won’t be at your best, that it is okay to take a break, take more than a few moments to be with yourself, accept your feelings and let them live out their life cycle in you in a healthy manner and, most importantly, it takes sheer strength to try and love yourself when you’re on the brink of self-hatred.
So today, I am willing to acknowledge that there will be days when I’ll be an irritable, slobbering, whining, selfish mess. But that is till my mess. I own it and will overcome it. I will live through it to better days. And I will do so without assigning blame to others around me when their behaviour ticks me off just because I’m in a mood. I will heal without damaging another’s mental health. There is a heart big enough in me to love them and myself. I will be real.
What do you say to that?
At times it takes a while to be able to see something right in front of you. At times people grow on you.
Slowly at first But then quite steadily. Till you end up wondering how come you never noticed them before.
Or an opportunity which you’ve been waiting for since forever comes to you in an unexpected form. And the time you take in recognising it baffles you when you finally do.
It’s amazing, isn’t it?
How we want what we don’t have and how we get those very things in the strangest of ways.
Or maybe we don’t see it because we feel undeserving of it?
We live in denial till the slow acceptance of actually being worthy starts seeping in?
We keep our distance till a sense of security envelops us in its warmth, allowing us to finally let go of our inhibitions and just feel what we want to feel?
I don’t have any answers. Just musings. While I sit around admiring the people and blessings in my life that I resisted for way too long and stupidly, basking in their love and comfort.
Isn’t ‘new beginnings’ a redundancy?
Or do we all go around chasing old habits, places and people
Time and time again
Swimming in circles
Getting nowhere faster
Content with circuit being our lot?
I think next time
I’d just like to have a beginning
No new beginnings
Begging to begin again
The rising sun brings with it
Hope and joy
A renewed vigour for life
Invincibility and motivation
As if you’re god’s favourite creation
And nothing, almost nothing, is out of your reach
The setting sun speaks to me
Of calm and peace
Of rest, overdue and well deserved
Of satisfaction and bliss
Of a day well lived
Of an evening well loved
And I go to bed content
In the certainty of another sun
Which soon shall rise again
And bring with it
Hope and joy renewed
You ask me if I’m a dreamer or a realist
As if being either could define me in your eyes
Or being both at the same was incredulously impossible
I am a dreamer and a realist
For if you wouldn’t dare to dream
How could you possibly fathom the limits of your reality?
I read and quote Sylvia Plath
Whenever I’m feeling low
I dance on some jazz music
To drown away the blues
I arrange tulips on my desk to remind me of the sun
When the skies are grey outside
And you wonder why your gaslighting
Merely makes me smile?
I lost almost 25 kgs in 2020. More than that, and more importantly, I lost a lot of mental baggage too.
I feel lighter, fitter and healthier than I ever recall feeling.
I smile more widely and laugh more often. I sleep better and talk more politely. My patience and general well being have improved by leaps and bounds.
The only sad part is that it took a soul crunching, time stopping and all around jarring pandemic for me to pause and reset. To focus on and prioritise myself. To work through all the unresolved issues which were underlying the calm exterior I took pride in portraying. To actually process my feelings and emotions through healthy, conversation based and creative outlets.
So in 2021 the only resolution I am going to make is to choose myself. Love myself. Heal myself. Understand myself. Forgive myself. And to grow. To pause, when needed. To listen to myself. To pay attention to my own mind and body.
I hope you’ll be doing the same for yourself too. Because one off resolutions are like putting out small fires while an entire forest burns to ashes. The bigger picture, the important picture is always you and your life.
Yes, of course, set goals for yourself. But resolve to live happily and freely. And then test your resolve to its very limits….just to see it emerge stronger.
P.S. if you’re struggling and need a friend, I’m always ready to listen, chat and offer whatever assistance that’s possible from my end. I am not a proxy therapist, just a willing shoulder to lean on while you catch your breath 🙂
In a universe so infinite
Why would you want to love finitely?
Define yourself with numbers
Like scores, marks, weight, age, people?
Why limit your soul to one astral plane?
Why restrict your knowledge to only that which is defined?
What’s stopping you other than your own self-imposed boundaries?
Even if the universe were to be finite
Why couldn’t you live infinitely?
Why shouldn’t you?
Even if the universe were finite
Go ahead and write your story
On every particle of it
This year has been different, to say the least. We lived through the most unexpected of times, witnessing the very highs and lows of humanity. We disbanded, came together, learned, unlearned and relearned quite a few things during the course of a year. Yet, each one of us, whether doing well or struggling has held out unwavering hope that the next year will bring better tidings.
So for this roller coaster ride called 2020, I have nothing but immense gratitude in my heart. I’ve charted quite a journey within and outside of myself. I feel more blessed than proud of this fact. I have lost, gained and regained a few people along the way. Some for life, invaluably cherished.
With 2021 begins a new chapter of life for me. A shared chapter. One full of hope, love and a sense of belonging. I am quite tickled to see where it will lead. I hope the very same for all of you.
Bring it on 2021, I’ll be doubly armed in my welcome 😊.
In a world where souls never touch by accident
You think our worlds colliding was a mere coincidence?
A cup of coffee and the sea
And a little bit of you and me
A burst of wind blowing towards the land
And the entwining of my fingers with your hand
A setting sun, mirrored across the water
While we look on, marking our happily ever after