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Downswing Days

I’ve realised I mostly come on here and write on days I have something happy to report. Be it my physical or mental well-being or a step forward in the right direction, be it any aspect of my life. I do it with the firm belief that sharing is caring, that someone out there might read my pieces and smile, take heart and hustle on. Indeed, your kind comments have proven it to be so.

Yet, on days when I’m not feeling my best, I refrain from writing, either feeling vulnerable at the exposure or feeling like an imposter for having written all those uplifting, self-care advocating posts when I cannot simply gather myself together. Today is one such day. Half of which has passed.

The other half, however, I am committed to change today. I will address you on days that I am down. I will share with you my darkest thoughts, sorrows, fears and words. Why, you ask? Because maybe, just maybe, someone out there might read my pieces and smile, take heart and hustle on in the knowledge that we all have our ups and downs. Our moods have upswings and downswings. And yet, nothing lasts forever. I know I will get back into the right frame of mind soon enough. And you will see the difference. As would someone else who’s currently berating himself for feeling the way he is currently and admonishing himself for not being strong. It doesn’t take strength to plaster a smile on your face and pretend everything is okay, winning accolades and love from everyone around. It does take strength to accept there will be days when you won’t be at your best, that it is okay to take a break, take more than a few moments to be with yourself, accept your feelings and let them live out their life cycle in you in a healthy manner and, most importantly, it takes sheer strength to try and love yourself when you’re on the brink of self-hatred.

So today, I am willing to acknowledge that there will be days when I’ll be an irritable, slobbering, whining, selfish mess. But that is till my mess. I own it and will overcome it. I will live through it to better days. And I will do so without assigning blame to others around me when their behaviour ticks me off just because I’m in a mood. I will heal without damaging another’s mental health. There is a heart big enough in me to love them and myself. I will be real.

What do you say to that?

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Pot Pourri

I no longer press flowers between diary pages

Marking important events

To be forgotten for years at end only to fall apart as dust

No, I display dried flowers in vases all around my house

Quite proudly

Wilted and shriveled yet capable of beauty

They no longer need to be locked away

Into secret corners of my memories

And when these flowers start to disintegrate

I turn them into pot pourri instead

Spreading their fragrance anew

Depressive Episode

Dear Diary,

It’s been getting bleaker everyday – and I don’t speak just of the weather. There’s a sense of dread, of impending doom, overtaking my mind. I could care less for sunny days but would welcome some sunshine to filter in today. The grey skies aren’t unfriendly, but the harsh winds don’t seem to welcome me.

I got a new plant today though – after forcing myself out of bed. I remembered to water it. I placed it in the balcony to sunbathe after transferring it to a ceramic pot.

I think things will look up now – as each new leaf unfurls.

Definition

The bane of my existence and the sum total of every burning desire. The curse of my sins and the purging of my soul. The depth of my being and the echo of my heart. The best of all seasons and the worst time of the day. The innocent laughter of a child and the intentional deceit of fallible men. The turning of tables and that of the tide. The glistening of morning dew and the shattering of the sea. Living in every moment only to die every night.

What is love, you ask?