You think emotions are a sign of weakness You call expressions a form of cowardice Tell me, darling, what hurts are you carrying That you’re so afraid to feel So you can accept them And… More
I’ve realised I mostly come on here and write on days I have something happy to report. Be it my physical or mental well-being or a step forward in the right direction, be it any aspect of my life. I do it with the firm belief that sharing is caring, that someone out there might read my pieces and smile, take heart and hustle on. Indeed, your kind comments have proven it to be so.
Yet, on days when I’m not feeling my best, I refrain from writing, either feeling vulnerable at the exposure or feeling like an imposter for having written all those uplifting, self-care advocating posts when I cannot simply gather myself together. Today is one such day. Half of which has passed.
The other half, however, I am committed to change today. I will address you on days that I am down. I will share with you my darkest thoughts, sorrows, fears and words. Why, you ask? Because maybe, just maybe, someone out there might read my pieces and smile, take heart and hustle on in the knowledge that we all have our ups and downs. Our moods have upswings and downswings. And yet, nothing lasts forever. I know I will get back into the right frame of mind soon enough. And you will see the difference. As would someone else who’s currently berating himself for feeling the way he is currently and admonishing himself for not being strong. It doesn’t take strength to plaster a smile on your face and pretend everything is okay, winning accolades and love from everyone around. It does take strength to accept there will be days when you won’t be at your best, that it is okay to take a break, take more than a few moments to be with yourself, accept your feelings and let them live out their life cycle in you in a healthy manner and, most importantly, it takes sheer strength to try and love yourself when you’re on the brink of self-hatred.
So today, I am willing to acknowledge that there will be days when I’ll be an irritable, slobbering, whining, selfish mess. But that is till my mess. I own it and will overcome it. I will live through it to better days. And I will do so without assigning blame to others around me when their behaviour ticks me off just because I’m in a mood. I will heal without damaging another’s mental health. There is a heart big enough in me to love them and myself. I will be real.
What do you say to that?
Years from now
When I’ll read
What I wrote
I hope it’ll make me smile anew
For my words will match
Would have taught me about you
There came a day when Cupid
Disappointed with how mankind treated his gifts
Ditched his bow and arrow
In favour of a gun
And that’s when we found out
It’s true what they say
August flies by in a blink
And September creeps up on you
With its crisp air
Like warm hugs
Till a feeling of having left a huge burden behind takes over you
And you take a sip and sigh
My heart breaks today
For the state of the world
The state of your hearts
If with tears in your eyes
And a breaking heart
You’ve have to hear someone tell you
You’re not ‘worth it’
(But someone else was)
I’m sorry for you, your tears and your shattered heart
Because you’re worth everything
And you deserve nothing less than to know this truth
I’ve heard about the unkindness of ravens
I’ve read about them being very much like a writing desk
I’ve been told they’re tricksters, omniscient and beguiling
Cruel, stoic or playful
Whatever form they may deign to take
But when a raven prepares to take flight
I cannot help but watch with unsheathed delight
Captivated and captured
Equally thrilled and enamoured
I’ve been floating through days like a dream
Unreal and fantastical
I’ve been living as if watching a movie play
From a distance and detached
I’ve been loving like how the storybooks say
Instant perfection and a hopeful ever after
I’ve been here
At the same time
I’ve been happy
At every moment passing by
And I’ve come to realise
That it is what it is
And it’s going to be okay
If I asked you to steal a day from your favourite childhood summer
Would your lips inadvertently smack a little at the ghost of the taste of fresh mango, plucked straight off a branch, lingering on your tongue?
Would your hand instinctively go to your knee to sooth a phantom bruise left by perpetually skinned knees?
Would you smile at the thought of spending summer vacations at your grandparents’ again, running around having the time of your life with siblings, cousins and random kids you met just that one time?
Would you feel the warmth of your mother’s hugs, making everything better in her all-knowing, all-feeling, all-forgiving and ever loving way?
Would you yearn to go for long evening walks again with your father that always had an educational/moral value story sneaked into seemingly innocent conversations?
Would you remember, feel, miss and laugh to your heart’s content at every tiny thought?
If I asked you to steal a day from your favourite childhood summer, will you?
I can see a stairway from where I stand. Although I can’t see where it goes up to. I assume to a landing, closed off by a door. I hope it opens to a bright, naturally lit room with a wall of windows, a skylight that could entice envy, a bed so cosy that even Goldilocks would approve in one go, a lamp to allow late night reading indulgences because at times ‘just one more chapter’ simply isn’t enough.
There should be a flowers and fruits laden branch pressing against the window pane. As if it’s more interested in leaning in than paying attention to what’s outside. This branch never looks scary, even when swaying against the wind on a cloudy night.
Do you think there’d also be a rug on the wooden floor (which in turn is perfect for sliding my feet while wearing fuzzy socks)? A dream catcher perched atop the bed, ensuring only the sweetest of sleeps?
I can see a stairway from where I stand. It beckons to me, replete with a promise of everything I yearn for. I’m not ready to climb it yet. Someday, I will.