Diary Entry #3 : Confession

Dear Diary,

Last night was a restless night. There was a hailstorm outside and a different kind of storm raging inside my room. As I tossed and turned to find enough comfort to drift into sleep, I remember myself thinking ‘if tomorrow never came, itd be okay’.

However, like most of my wishes, I woke up today into a new morning. Groggy at first and then suddenly wide awake, as if a switch had been flicked on. In that moment I recalled a line I’d re-read a hundred times while devouring John Green’s The Fault In Our Stars. It went something like this – I fell in love the way you fall asleep : slowly, and then all at once.

No sooner had this line crossed my mind than I was hit with a pang of regret. So sharp that I found it difficult to breathe. For you see, all my life I’ve known a sad fact. I’m easy to love but equally easy to fall out of love with as well. I’m instantly likeable but probably insufferable in the long run. Or so I’ve been made to think. By people. People whom I cared for, possibly more than myself. People whom I admired and adored. People whom I could never love. Never love the way I deserve to love. You know, the unconditional kind? The kind which makes even hearbreaks feel worthwhile? The kind that brings you joy and sorrow in equal amount? The kind that makes you feel alive?

Yes, I think I’d like to feel that love once. Not someone else’s for myself. But my own. And then, if tomorrow never came, I think it’d really be okay.

Diary Entry #2 : Self Love

Dear Diary,

Today was an eventful day. Not in a way where a lot of things happened. But each one was more and more overwhelming.

A few hours in, and I couldn’t breathe. I was tired of running around in circles, trying to get everything done in time but getting nowhere. I forgot to take a breath! Or a break. I skipped lunch, as usual.

Then just when I had all but given up, staring blankly outside the window, the skies opened up and smiled. Have I ever told you about the magic of out-of-season rains?

They’re like little bursts of happiness, unexpected yet plenty. They are instant mood uplifters. You cannot help but smile as the first drop makes its way to the tip of your nose with a splat. They wash off all the grime, outside and within, and make you look at things anew.

The trees, the birds, the dogs and cats, all rejoice. And so, did I. I turned off my laptop, set aside my notebook, put my phone on silent and took a deep breath. I sat in silence with closed eyes, listening to the pitter patter and the thundering and rumbling outside.

And finally, I smiled. Because I decided to forgive myself today. I decided to apologize to myself today. I decided to love myself a little more today. So that I never forget to breathe again. So that I never forget it’ll all be okay in the end. So that I never forget to not always push myself too hard. So that I, can be just I..at times. So that the next time the magic of out-of-season rains find me, I’d be ready to welcome it with open arms.

Diary Entry #1 : Apology

Tonight I just need someone to hold and to have. To share not just countless, endless conversations but also comfortable silences. Just your presence would have been enough. Your smiles, your expressions, your denial of how much you adored me.

Tonight, I’d give anything to sleep in your arms again. To turn back time to before I made that horrible mistake. To hear you say my name one more time. Not my real name. The goofy one that you came up with.

Tonight I’m left all alone. With an aching heart and eyes far from dry. All I have left of you are old chats. My finger hovers over your number. Itching to make that call which will never go through. My eyes fixate at the empty image icon on WhatsApp. Knowing that a hey will only ever get a single tick.

Tonight I’m reliving the past. Through our pictures together. Through your words. Through our fingers entwined. Through our smiles, free from beguile. I have never seen myself look happier than in those moments spent with you.

Tonight I am hurting. All over again.

Tonight I’m willing. For you to come back.

A Question of Choice?

Mommy,

I don’t understand

That man hurt me

Mum, why is my belly growing?

Mummy, there’s something inside of me!

But moooom, I can’t be a mother

I’m your baby

I’m still a child

What do you mean, Mumma, that they don’t care?

Why do you say it’s not my life?

How was it never my choice?

He chose to do this Mama

But I didn’t ask for this?

Oh, I did?

Alright, I guess I won’t go out of the house wearing a skirt again.

.

.

Hi baby, shush, this world isn’t meant for you but I’ll do my best to keep you safe. My mother couldn’t, and it broke her. Her own shadow haunts her. But you, my love, shall be safe. I’ll dress you like a boy.

The Best Told Tales

The best stories are the ones told without an audience. No strained ears hanging to every uttered word. No tear filled eyes ready to brim over. No sighs, no smiles, no oohs and no aahs. Just a resounding silence. Those are the tales which are truer than true. For you don’t perform them for accolades, appreciation or thunderous applause. You string words together, purely reflecting your inner mind, for no one’s reaction guides the unraveling of these yarns. You don’t pause to consider what others would think. You don’t choose your words for the reactions they incite.

And that’s when a story comes to life. Like a living, breathing entity, taking a form of its own. And you can sit back and mull over the elusive magic of wondrous creation.

Ek Kahaani ki Khoj Mein

Kuch kahaaniyan aisi bhi hain

Jinka har shabd ek dastaan hota hai

Ek ek panne ke aks se

Zindagi ka har pehlu bayaan hota hai

Aisi hi ek kahaani ki khoj mein hum

Nikle the duniya ki gehraiyo mein

Kya pata tha is nadaan dil ko magar

Kuch kahaaniya sirf pariyo ka khel hoti hai

Uljhan bhari raato ko neend tak pohochane ka mel hoti hai

Aur fir bas

Band aankho ke tale

Jaag uthti hain

Bas band aankho ke tale

Jee ke marr jaati hai

Khuli aankho ki sacchayi

Shabdo mein akhir kahan simat paati hain

Kuch kahaaniya

Bas kahaaniya hi banke reh jaati hai

There’s No Such Thing as Ghosts

“You know there’s no such thing as ghosts, right?” He said, when she told him she’s scared of watching horror movies because the scenes come back to her at night.

She nodded in mute assent. Acknowledging what was only logical.

Her mind, however, delved into a separate plane.

She wondered – what of the ghosts of memories that come back to haunt our every waking moment?

Or the phantom shards of broken promises that pierce through our very heart?

The spirit of a future, dead before it could even come alive, like an unborn child, but always a part of our existence?

She thought of the demons of jealousy, ego and pride residing within us, gnawing away at our very cores.

The fear of failure, draining away our life’s source.

But most of all

She thought

Of men and women who enter our lives and then leave a trail of destruction in their wake.

No, he’s right, she thought. There’s no such thing as otherworldly, undead ghosts. For they paled and faded away in the face of the monsters that live in this very world.

Hello my lovelies,

I tried something different with this piece. Still in two minds about it. Not sure if it conveys what it wanted to say. Would love to know if it resonates with you and what you feel about it. So please humour me, maybe, and drop a comment down below?

And as always, thank your for reading!

Love,

Varnika.

Learn the art of converting your prized work into a book from one of the very best bloggers (and also my personal favourite) that we have here!

Thank you, Christine, for taking the time to write this.

 

When I first contemplated choosing pieces and organizing them for Composition of a Woman, I naively thought it would be fairly quick and straightforward process. I had recently served as the editor for an art show chapbook that included pieces from 12 very diverse girls and women and as the primary editor for Anthology Volume […]

via Anatomy of a Book: Choosing and Organizing Your Writing — Brave & Reckless

Confessions of a Liar #1

Each night as I lie down in bed, my bed gets swamped with myriad thoughts. The most overriding one being – what could I have done differently? Would it have matter? Would the consequences have changed? And in doing so, I end up imprisoning myself in a makeshift cell every night. Worse still is the fact that its akin to solitary confinement. I lie in complete isolation. Very poetic since the fact that “I lie” is why I’m in this position in the first place.

Every morning as I cling on to a few more minutes of sleep after having endured a sleepless, restless night, my mind clears itself of its fugue state. I have complete clarity. I know very well that –

The cause of all my grief

The answer to all my problems

The reason for my happiness

The end to all my efforts

The clincher to all my doubts

is

Me

Myself

and

I.

Meet and Greet #1

Hello, my beauties! I realise it’s been quite some time since I’ve sat down to talk with you, one on one, that is. Except, of course, to ask really pressing questions about proper skin care. I love how you rallied behind water, the true elixir of life, and solved my problem in a jiffy! I am eternally grateful.

Another thing I am really thankful for is the recent upsurge in the number of followers on this blog. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to have people from across the world take out valuable time to read my writings and be kind enough to drop a thoughtful comment. It is a beautiful lesson in humility for me. I will never be able to thank you enough.

However, this recent trend also made me think how little I know of you and vice versa. My ‘about’ page is way out of date. Sadly, I am also unable to read as many blogs as I would like to.

So, I’ve tried to come up with a solution to this conundrum. Let’s treat this post as a little meet and greet, shall we? Would you be game for it and leave a comment telling me a little something about yourself? Nothing highly revealing or personal (in the nature of details). Just a tiny insight into what passions drive you, what you find to be most interesting, what you like to read/write about, etc. Also, you, in turn, can ask me something if you want. Just remember to keep it clean and casual. I hope the ones who participate will also be kind enough to visit the blogs from other comments on this post. If there happen to be any, that is (trust me to always be overly optimistic, duh!).

That’s all for now. I hope to hear from you soon!

As always, thank you for reading.

Love,

Varnika.