Last night was a restless night. There was a hailstorm outside and a different kind of storm raging inside my room. As I tossed and turned to find enough comfort to drift into sleep, I remember myself thinking ‘if tomorrow never came, it‘d be okay’.
However, like most of my wishes, I woke up today into a new morning. Groggy at first and then suddenly wide awake, as if a switch had been flicked on. In that moment I recalled a line I’d re-read a hundred times while devouring John Green’s The Fault In Our Stars. It went something like this – I fell in love the way you fall asleep : slowly, and then all at once.
No sooner had this line crossed my mind than I was hit with a pang of regret. So sharp that I found it difficult to breathe. For you see, all my life I’ve known a sad fact. I’m easy to love but equally easy to fall out of love with as well. I’m instantly likeable but probably insufferable in the long run. Or so I’ve been made to think. By people. People whom I cared for, possibly more than myself. People whom I admired and adored. People whom I could never love. Never love the way I deserve to love. You know, the unconditional kind? The kind which makes even hearbreaks feel worthwhile? The kind that brings you joy and sorrow in equal amount? The kind that makes you feel alive?
Yes, I think I’d like to feel that love once. Not someone else’s for myself. But my own. And then, if tomorrow never came, I think it’d really be okay.