What do you say when someone asks you what you want to do or be in life? Moreover, is doing the same as being? Sometimes I wonder if we had it easier as kids. At any given age, I had always known what I wanted to become, not that it didn’t change every year, however, the point being that whenever asked, I was always ready with a confident answer rattled out with full conviction. Ironically, now when I am at a stage where I need this answer the most, I’m absolutely clueless. I have lost the ability to cull out what I want, the confidence to peg where I want to be and the desire to actually become someone.
Usually, it becomes easier to avoid the questions or to even lash out at the perpetrators for having put me in a position to formulate an answer. Unfortunately, you can’t really do that when it’s your father or your boyfriend asking you. You know all too well that they’re coming from a good place and only want to help you out rather than adding salt to your injury. But that is what I am. An injured, disillusioned girl who’s trying to take it one day at a time with no long term goal in mind. Yes, I want to make it. I don’t know what I have to make something out of though. However, life still runs on a tight schedule of planning and considerations. Oh Dear Lord, humans run a tight ship.
The only pliable solution staring at me is to fix an interview with my own self. Scary as it may sound, it has to be done. I need to get my own measure and take some strong yet hard decisions. Wish me luck, whoever’s out there!
I am 24. I have a decent paying job, I can comfortably meet my expenses and I literally want for nothing at the moment. Yet, I am not happy. There is a constant, nagging feeling that this is not it, this is not all. There has to be something more. Something more rewarding. I take to the internet to find what I really should be doing. I have always harboured a love for reading and writing. So I decide that’s a perfectly good place to begin with. I should write. Write for my own self for a start. Mystically, I am uncharacteristically tongue tied. This would be a good place to tell you that I’m a particularly garrulous young woman. Nothing stumps me. Then why should what I love doing leave me at a complete loss. That’s when the enormity of the situation strikes me. And I know, I will wake up tomorrow perfectly contented with my job and go about doing it in a satisfying albeit mechanical manner. This one day burst of passion having ebbed out (the nagging feeling very resolutely pushed into a corner).
The Conundrum of human nature in all its glory, people. The constant lust for the extraordinary yet the inherent desire to hide within the comfort of the usual, known, humdrum affair with life. This realization instills in me a new found respect for the people who threw caution to the wind and dared to plunge into the void without a safety harness. They have successfully resisted the human urge to abhor change and have removed themselves from self inflicted shackles. It is immaterial if they succeeded in their pursuit of the new, it matters that they pursued. Have courage yet, all ye young hearts and try to break free. Adventure is out there! (In the words of a favourite Pixar movie)